Where to Find Lost Scripts: Breakfast Club Edition

So, an early draft of The Breakfast Club has been discovered in a high school filing cabinet in the Chicago high school at which it was filmed. The New York Post’s Kyle Smith summed it up best when he wrote “It was kinda like finding the Dead Sea Scrolls of Generation X.”

Lost Script, Last Page:

41. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD – DAY

We see Bender walking towards us as Brian’s monologue
continues.

BRIAN (VO)
(CONT’D)
But what we found out is that each
one of us is a brain…

ANDREW (VO)
…and an athlete…

ALLISON (VO)
…and a basket case…

CLAIRE (VO)
…a princess…

BENDER (VO)
…and a criminal…

BRIAN (VO)
Does that answer your question?
Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.

We see Bender walking across the football field
as he thrusts his fist into the air in a silent cheer
and freezes there. And then Han shoots Greedo first.

Besides realizing that the film came out 30 years ago this year (like I didn’t feel old already), it got me thinking about other lost scripts and the auspicious places their drafts might be found…

Breakfast Club Script
Breakfast Club Script

What is Carob, an Easter Fool’s Day joke?

Surely, I’m not the only one to see the potential chaos and comedy of juxtaposing April Fool’s Day and Easter Sunday? As if the Christian appropriation of a Pagan rite of spring wasn’t silly enough to celebrate (if you can find an Easter egg in the Bible, they serve you Hasenfeffer in heaven), there are surely other hijinks to be had. Ergo, we should merge the observances into a single celebration – Easter Fool’s Day.
The best way to enjoy Easter Fool’s Day is to taunt children with the prospect of chocolate wrapped in pastel-colored foil. It was for these occasions that carob was invented. If you don’t believe that “basket cases” start with the Easter basket, you’ve never had the misfortune of eating a hollow carob bunny.

The tropical pods plucked from the carob tree have long been used as a healthy alternative to chocolate, which has yet to be proven in a court of law. As we all know, carob is to chocolate as chicory is to coffee, which is to say, it’s a cheap, dirt-colored substitute. Carob is the confectionary equivalent of simulated woodgrain except that simulated woodgrain tastes better. To give misguided if well-meaning parents a sense of what it’s like to rip the foil off a bunny only to discover it’s a glob of rodent-shaped carob, imagine carving into a succulent, glazed Easter ham made of Naugahyde.

The carob tree was once known St. John’s bread and before that, the locust tree. The reasons are murky but might have something to do with the King James version of the bible and some waggish 17th-century scribe who mistranslated Matthew 3:4. Apparently, while John the Baptist was out in the wilderness (smartly clad in his camel-hair duds and “leathern girdle about his loin”), it’s said his diet consisted of the “meat” of the “locust tree and wild honey.” But it’s funnier if you leave out “tree,” thus making John, not only a man of questionable fashion sense, but an eater of bugs. And that’s how it was printed.

Was the omission intentional? We’ll never know, but I suspect if it was written on Easter Fool’s Day it was. I also believe I know who the culprit was: Sir Henry Savile, a warden of Merton College and the only one among King James’ 47 translators who was not actually clergy. He was a temp.

Scholars take pains to distinguish this Savile from another Henry Savile known as “Long Harry,” an antiquarian who occasionally forged passages in the historical record to bridge gaps in his knowledge. I can relate. To reconcile my own ignorance of those notions pertaining to the Bible, Brits and Balderdash (coming soon to BBC America!), I submit that Henry Savile, would-be comedian, and Long Harry, factual fibber, are one and the same man. It makes my biblical bug-eater theory more plausible and is really just the academic equivalent of trading carob for chocolate. Don’t even get me started on the “lotus-eaters are to locust-eaters” analogy I’m working up.

So, this holiday, when considering what flavor of leporid (look it up) to tuck amongst the eggs, consider the words of Jesus – in fact, the only reference to ova in his oeuvre – “If they ask for an egg, do you offer a scorpion?”

A scorpion – nice. That dude totally nailed Easter Fool’s Day.

Write or Drink?

As many of you know, I’m a sucker for crowd-driven writing jags (hence, my annual NaNoWriMo addiction, Wattpad, etc.), so when I learned about Twiny Jam from?BoingBoing today, I leapt-to and began constructing my first interactive text adventure game. As BoingBoing’s Laura Hudson teased, “Do you have about an hour? Can you write 300 words? Then you can – and should –make your own text adventure today.”

Thus inspired, I built my game (really more of a brief experimental, interactive fiction of the choose-your-own-adventure variety) using Twine, which bills itself as an “open-source tool for telling interactive, nonlinear stories.” The interface was intuitive and the execution was quick (indeed – about an hour). You can download the results, Write or Drink? at interactive game hosting platform Itch.io (where Twiny Jam submissions are hosted) or play/read it in your browser by clicking here: Write-or-Drink? Like me, you might find it’s a difficult choice…